I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
