last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
