If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
