she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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