don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
