I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
