Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
