So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
