dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
