If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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