Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
