clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
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I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
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The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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