I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
