Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
