I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
