friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
