you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
