I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
