He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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