at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
