When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
