I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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