2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
