I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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