you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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