hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
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