Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
