I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
