she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
