Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
