the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
