she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
