I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
