Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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