PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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