Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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