I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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