I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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