The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
