We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
