you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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