My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
