i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
