I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
