Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
