I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
