Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
