im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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