I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
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Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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