True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
