After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
