I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
