Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
now i know why i became what i already was.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
