Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize