ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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