I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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