So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Someone came in the potted fern
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
