This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he wants to bone in the snuggie
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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