let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
