This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
